Monday, August 30, 2004

Plainspeak...

Promiscuity in Bangalore, best workplace in India, sex habits of Chinese women, hottest British male... Its that time of the year when opinions are being sought on every damn topic under the sun..Of course, as long you, the paying public, continue to lap up all this needless information, magazines will continue to flood you with such crap..But one such survey which helps in deciding the fate of a million Indians every year is the one on top B-schools of the nation. I just read one in BusinessWorld and I think the time's ripe for me to spring excerpts of my take on this to my unsuspecting readers.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in the post below reflect the stance of a "highly biased but understanding" author who is only all too willing to reconsider certain "new factors" if "suitable convinced".
...as on 29th Aug, 10:14pm

Any purportedly scientific survey which reckons that its arrived at its final conclusion based on factors like faculty strength, research, consultancy, admission, networking and placement is fundamentally flawed.

For example, I know a friend of mine who passed out from IIM-C..When quizzed on what his salary was, he casually remarked that he had won for himself 14 lpa.. Knowing fully well that he worked at a place which was 18th in the Best Workplace pecking order (Hint Hint) I demanded an explanation.. and then the cat came out of the bag..He mentioned that he had found himself a girlfriend at C who earned 8 lpa..Now I have no problems with C using that figure for highest salary but I definitely have a problem if C is gonna use 14 lpa for both him and her when calculating the mean :-)

Lets check out faculty strength next...There is this wonderful story doing the rounds that a senior faculty at IIMA who was on deputation to Insead passed away recently.. IIMA however continued to pay him a princely sum of Rs 8000 every month and used his name in their brochure till his grandson who was giving CAT found out the error..Needless to say, at last hear A was looking for more such martyrs :D I guess I could rubbish all other factors too if I so desired but then thats not the purpose of this post.

Let me come down to the actual methodology I have adopted for my survey.. Very simple..I spoke to tonnes and tonnes of prospective students - male and female, poets and engineers, chachas and kiddies, old economy mamas and BPO babes.. I have taken care to get the sample size right so don't even try dismissing me on those grounds...And aftersome really naughty conversations, I have come to realise that there have to be different kinds of rankings for different kinds of people.. Just like 16 year old women like Dove, Lux and then Pears and 80 year old granddads choose Dettol, Hamam and Lifebuoy and a 26 year young dude prefers Mysore Sandal 150g, Mysore Sandal 75g and Mysore Sandal 200g :-) Though the idea of different survey rankings found favor with my sponsors (did I forget to mention that my survey results are coming out in India Today next week??) since they could sell more magazines for two consecutive fortnights, my focus group clearly told me that the reading public wants one summary survey and its results. So here I go... with justifications wherever I felt appropriate...

1. IIM-A: Simply because A is the first alphabet and when Phoren companies make plans to recruit here, they are simply asked "Do u want A, B or C guys?" The unsuspecting phirang thinks it refers to grades and plumps for A and thats why A rules and Welligkar (W) suffers :-)

2. IIM-C: I know B comes before C but there's something about this place..For starters, its got loads of engineers (read: very intelligent people) and so if u are also intelligent (read: engineer) India's intellectual capital is the place for you...Long live Bongol !!

3. IIM-B: For the guys, its the 3Bs - beer, babes and beautiful weather.. For the women, its just the J (will leave you to figure it out)..Btw, this insti also hosts a variety of rock shows throughout the year.. they don't seem to study much here but still get jobs..Good ones too..

4. IIM-L: The IIM tag notwithstanding, you might get to rub shoulders once in a while with Mulayam Singh, Subrato Roy, Amar Singh, Amitabh Bachchan... and if you are really lucky, you might even get to hear one of Vajpayee's fiery speeches (I am sure elections are around the corner and the old man will stand again)

5. FMS/SP Jain/NITIE:
If you are from Delhi and you have a girlfriend in town, then you have to join FMS so that you don't lose her. If you are not from Delhi and don't have a girlfriend, don't worry, join FMS to get one. And that's about the best thing I can say about the place.. But of course, isn't it the most important thing?

If you are a gal then SP is just not the place for you. There is a 11 pm curfew in place and men and women stay in different hostels. However if you a guy, then SP is just the right place for you. The M:F ratio is simply awesome - there will always be women who read the first line and say "Cmon, it cant be that bad" and then shoot themselves by joining :-)

NITIE simply rocks..For one there are no rotten apples.. All of them who are in are very intelligent (u know wot I am toking abt)..Secondly their campus is very nice.. and thirdly its Mumbai yaar.. Need I say more !!

8. IIM-I/IIM-K/MDI:
IIM-I's two biggest USPs (yaaa, I know 2 kinda dilutes the U but this is what they claim) are that they are fully Wi-Fi enabled and they are the "True face of management education in India"..IIM-India...someone needs to tell them Indira Institute of Management, Ichampatti is hijacking their second USP :D

IIM-K is the IIM of Mellus, for Mellus, by Mellus..So if you are Mellu your world of management education should start and stop here :-) IIMK also offers its students a two year tryst with nature..

To be honest not a lot of info was available about this place but from whatever I gather, MDI is a must for all shopaholics - The malls of Gurgaon are some of the finest in this country.

11. XLRI:
So aptly named - XLent for Rigorous Imprisonment - an insti still caught up in its own world, cut off from rest of civilisation.. a place steeped so much in tradition that they insist on continuing with clergymen for Principals and Deans :D

...wanna read more...
Online version: 1 copy - 24$, every extra copy - 20$

4 comments:

perizad said...

You use mysore sandal 75g right?

Susie said...

MBA aspirants - I give you ur MOSES, the man who will lead you to the promised land ... pls welcome Jupieee ;D

Machs, good dhandha da :))

Girl With Big Eyes said...

IIMK Media Cell hereby issues a Non-bailable arrest warrant against Jupe for spreading vile stories about the institute.

:)

Jupe said...

Perizad
Welcome bak..

Susie,
Hey, you show me the way on this.. there is a registrar post for SP, Dubai vacant.. Shud i take it up ;-) 10000 dirhams per month (Rs 13 is the conversion)

GWBE,
U r soooooooo slow on the take.. Wine and Dine me and thou shalt see thine insti right up there in the list :D