The unfortunate letters series - 1

I've realised that sometimes when we don't really want to talk directly to people but still want to get some messages across, there are ways to do this tactfully. For example, we could drop some (not-so) subtle hints in letters that weren't supposed to have been read by the intended recipients but somehow got to them. I am NOT saying the following are something like that but... :-)

Dear girlfriend,

First things first. U shud have never married Boyfriend till the deadline was over :-( I know thats not how it is in My Best Friend's Wedding but still... :-(

Secondly a) Having done it, u shud quit trying to keep in touch with "whats happening" here. Its so annoying. OK? :-(
Secondly b) I have still not seen HUM TUM so stop asking me again n again n again. Grrrrr.

Thirdly, I am sure you have read those stupid Erica Jong books (i remember seeing FEAR OF FLYING in ur Chennai pigsty) - that woman spoke some sense too - here's her take on ADVICE "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." So from now on, please advice accordingly :-)

Fourthly, I'm still waiting for those tickets to Singapore or have i been compromised in your latest austerity drive ?

Fifthly, summing up, u r such a pain - why don't they send you on a mission to Mars or Venus, whichever is further, for 6 years with the option of an extension :-))

Love
The-Jilted-One

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Dear Boyfriend,

Firstly a) Please get urself a job in a timezone where i do not have to endure 2 hrs of YM chat with ur better half on a day to day basis.
Firstly b) If you can't shift, i am game - get me a job faaaaar faar away, even Reykjavik will do.

Secondly, i don't like that name one bit. Its unisexual. Please, please dont let her take ALL the decisions.

Thirdly, thanks a million for saying more that night by not saying and jes listening. U r the best (but i am the bestest)

Love
R

ps: NSU is not that great da - ask your cousin to call me up.

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Dear Anon,

I know i said a lot of stuff that day but after a long nights sleep, i am wiser. You have been the catalyst yet again :-p I have kinda made up MY mind but I am NOT gonna tell YOU exactly what you should be doing - coz i have now realised i am not the most competent person to do that. After all i do seem to be "flippant" and "frivolous" so just follow your heart - it will never fail you. Take care and remember i am just a call away.

Forever
R

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Dear Ram,

The dear was put there purely coz my mom wouldn't approve otherwise. I know u r a real bozo and will probably never read this post but if u ever do, its time you returned my 4k back. Asshole ! (Mom, you didn't see or hear that)

Love (purely outta respect for my mom again)
B***u